Uncle Iroh's Guide to Charming the Ladies
by KataangAbandonHope
Summary: Wanna know how Uncle Iroh seduces the ladies? Find out in this guide, and along the way maybe you'll learn a few tips! But I highly doubt it! But how does this stuff work for Iroh? Seriously, I have no clue! Chapter 12 is up, and please RR
1. Chapter 1

Uncle Iroh's Guide to Charming the Ladies

Uncle Iroh: You're beauty is like a flower in bloom, so intoxicating!

Ticket Lady: Well, you're pretty easy on the eyes yourself handsome.

Ticket Lady: Rrrrrr! Motioning her hand in the air as if she was a cat's claw.

Zuko: I'm gonna forget I saw that, he says as he snatches his ticket from

Uncle Iroh's hand in disgust. As he looks away, to hide the embarassment

he notices that there is a small red and gold bound book on the floor. As he

stooped down to pick it up, he sees the title and jumps up in the air as if he

had saw a ghost. On the book the title read:

"Uncle Irohs Guide to Charm the Ladies".

Just as he was about to pick it up, Uncle Iroh snuck up on him.

This is my 2nd story so dont hold back criticism!


	2. Chapter 2

Uncle Iroh: Prince Zuko, what is taking you so long? The whole place is

held up because of you!

As Zuko looks behind him, an offical looking man in a green and maroon

silk stomps up to him.

Guard: Will you sir, kindly move!

Zuko was already embarassed, but now a fury of rage came rushing out

in the form of two jets of red hot fire coming out of Zuko's fists.

Guard: Firebenders! Firebenders in the waiting station!

Uncle Iroh: No, no no, you see my nephew has... umm, FireFlake

Fever!

Zuko: Yes... um ohhhh it burns it burns, cough cough, add in a couple of

moans he thought, ahhhhh!

Guard: Whoa buddy there take it easy, fine return to the waiting area in an

orderly fashion. Good day to you Sir.

As Prince Zuko and Uncle Iroh got on the train and settled in, Zuko

remembered the smal book with the nightmarish title.

He carefully opened the book, and got more and more horrified(and think of

how many times Zuko has been horrified) as he read on. on The first page

said: Tip #1 Slather on the charm, do cheesy 1 liners about something on

there face ( hair, eyes, freckles, that unsightly mole etc.) and look beautful

about it. Underneath that Uncle Iroh had put: I'm so pretty, oh so pretty and

witty.

Zuko: WTF?

Chapter 2 is up, and Zuko may just give some thought into using Iroh's

advice. Could he use it on Katara? Mai? Song? Stick around to find out!

And please R+R! Bye!


	3. Chapter 3

(Flashback!) Slap! Katara hit Zuko with all the strength she could muster in

one forceful water whip.

Bam! Zuko went spiraling down in pain, and also in anger at

Uncle Iroh's stupid book. As Aang and Sokka came to Katara's aid, Zuko

hit with yet another piercing blast of air from Aang.

Aang: Katara are you ok?

Katara: Yeah Aang, Sokka, I'm fine.

Aang: What did you do to her? Aang says this as he sticks his staff

threateningly at Zuko's chest.

Zuko: Nothing, ummmmm I mean nothing at all!

Aang: Katara what did he do to you?

Katara: Oh, ummm nothing, he just tried to get information out of me about

the where abouts of you, she lied badly thinking about what had just

happened.

(Present) Zuko was just lazing about, with a small bag of ice on his face

where a shallow cut on his face resided. His thoughts drifted to what he had

said to Katara trying to woe her. Your eyes are like two pools of crystal blue

water, he had said right before she had popped him a good one. Along with

the avatar being very persistant about what Zuko was doing around Katara,

and the peasant boy trying to knock his head off with a boomerang. So

much for Uncle Iroh's Guide to Charming the Ladies he thought. But as he

thought about all of this he still just wanted to see what Tip #2 would be, or

what had went wrong with his first sad, sad attempt. As he opened the book

to page #2 he noticed some very small print at the very corner of page #1

that read: Warning! Tip #1 doesn't work with the avatars' (that you're trying

to capture) best friend (and or crush). Zuko's boiling point just steamed over

the top, as he burned the end table next to him in an angry cry of fury. Just

then Uncle Iroh deicided to burst in on Zuko for the 2nd time that day!

Uncle Iroh: Prince Zuko, what is wrong? I heard a scream, and what

happened to the table?

Zuko: Fireflake fever Uncle, hehh, he smiled weakly in defeat.

Chapter 3 is up, thanks to all the people who read this (if any, lol) and please

R+R!


	4. Chapter 4

When Uncle Iroh was finished interrogating Zuko about what had happened

to the table Zuko had passed a lame excuse about trying to practice some

firebending skills. Yet Uncle Iroh still had some doubts about what had

happened, Zuko was sure of it. As his thoughts drifted to other things, he

thought of the lovely Song. The one who had showed him more compassion

than any body else except Uncle Iroh, and his long lost dear mother Ursa.

Well he thought, since I'm at it I might as well see what Uncle Iroh's Guide

to Charming the Ladies said. According to Uncle they was going to be

traveling right back around there, and it would be the perfect chance to reel

Song in like a fish. He checked to make sure there was going to be no

surprise arrival from Uncle, like he had been doing lately. He carefully

opened the small flame red and gold yellow book. Inside Tip #2 read: To get

the hook, line, and sinker effect on the ladies present them with a gift

(flowers, chocolates, tea ect.) Tea is prefered though, so you can get

something out of the deal. Suddenly Uncle Iroh burst in for like the billionth

time in this series.

Uncle Iroh: Ready to head out on our ostrich horses Prince Zuko? he asked

with anticpation like he knew something.

Zuko: Sure am Uncle!

Uncle Iroh: You sound particularly happy.

Zuko: Nah, just ready to go, and go a-fishin'. he said queitly

Uncle Iroh: Come again?

Zuko: All I said Uncle is that I'm ready to go! as he pulled on a enormously

fake smile with little sparkles glittering up his pearly whites in innocence.

Uncle Iroh: Uhhhhh, Ok Prince Zuko, maybe you need to lay off the

fireflakes for a while! Seriously!

Thanks again to all the readers who leave a review, you dont know how

appreciated they are! Is Zuko's plan gonna work? Is Song gonna fall for the

old line, hook, and sinker trick Will Uncle Iroh's guide ACTUALLY WORK?

Please R+R!


	5. Chapter 5

Zuko: Owwwwww, he moaned. Just my luck he thought. Prince Zuko, crown

prince of the fire nation, and heir to the fire throne was underneath a huge

boulder and had just got beat up by a girl. Zuko was struggling weakly to get

up but, Song's boulder was tougher. Even though Uncle Iroh was supposed

to be miles away he snuck up on Zuko for the zillionth time, and did

something very Uncle Irohish.

Uncle Iroh: Prince Zuko, who did this too you?

Zuko: Ummm, some Earth Kingdom soldiers.

Uncle Iroh: Hmm, then why is there red lipstick on the boulder?

Zuko thought fine might as well tell him, what's the worst that can happen?

Zuko: Well, to tell you the truth Uncle I umm, got beat by Song. he hung his

head in shame, although he wasn't prepared for what happened next.

Uncle Iroh: Nah nah nah, Zuko got beat up by a girl! he pointed his finger at

Zuko and did a very creepy, very disturbing, childish giggle.

Zuko now embarressed and mad beyond comprehension got up and and

shot Uncle Iroh with a few fire balls.

Uncle Iroh: I was just kidding! You sound like me when I haven't had tea in

like a whole hour! Sheesh, someone woke up on the wrong side

of the bed this morning he thought, as he sipped his tea that had magically

appeared on the spot, right on the hour.

Zuko: Let's go back to the tea shop Uncle.

Uncle Iroh: Your wish is my command Prince Zuko. Whoa! he yelled as he

helped Zuko up.

Uncle Iroh: Zuko you have bumps all over you, with red flakey skin! Come to

think of it, you kinda smell like fireflakes.

Zuko: Huh? Ewwww!

Uncle Iroh: Mmmm he said as he swiped Zuko's shoulder, and tasted the

fireflakes, reminds me of jasmine tea he said with his mouth chock full of

the stuff.

Zuko: Could it be? Fireflake Fever!

I know this chapter sucks because I kinda got out of writing mode, but in the next chapter it will show everything that happned between Zuko and Song and Tip #3 hopefully. Please R+R. Thanks, Bye!


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi guys! Sorry to say I haven't updated in a while, and thats **

**not the worst of the news. Now down to buissness, I'm **

**really really **_really** sorry about this, but I will be moving in 2 **_

_**days (had to pack, that why I didn't update so long) and I **_

_**won't be getting a compter in Wisconsin (trust me I put up **_

_**one heck of a fight about this). So due to that and the fact **_

_**my mom said this will be the last day I'll use the computer,**_

_**I won't be able to finish any of my stories. I send my **_

_**apologies to you, and if you have any thing to say, speak**_

**_now, because like I said this will be my last day! So if you_**

_**have any comments email me now please, I also thank you**_

_**all for a great experience, and all the wonderful reviews! **_

_**Bye for now (maybe I'll get my mom to let me on in the future) and God bless.**_


	7. Chapter 7

Zuko: Uncle,do you think I should really go on a date with Jin?

Uncle Iroh: Of course nephew, why not! At least you don't have those horrible red flakes all over you anymore.

Zuko: Uhh, he said with a shudder. It had taken weeks for him to get those flakes out of his hair, and whole entire body. Not to mention, Uncle Iroh was at his back every second swiping at him hungrily, with every fire nation chef in town looking at him, like he was some ingrdient for a cake or something. Although Uncle Iroh had mentioned something about fireflake flaming Alaska.

He hadn't thought about Uncle Iroh's Guide to Charming the Ladies in a while, but was thinking about it now. He tried to got away from Uncle Iroh before he'd attacked him with a comb. And gel. And any other hair utensil possible. He sat down and opened the gold book carefully. Inside was tip #3. But before he read it, he thought of one of his consequences the second time he'd tried one of Uncle Iroh's tips- Song!

(Flashback)

Zuko had walked up to Song's door, and knocked politely. Song came to the door, and opened it, and before he could say fireflake fever, Song attacked. Zuko's bag of tea he had brought (Tip #2) fell out of his hand as Song pummeled him into the dust with a 2 boulders.

Song: This is for the ostrich horse! (Boulder 1 dropped on Zuko's legs.) And this is for being an ugly fireflake brat! (Boulder 2 dropped on his head.

Meanwhile, Uncle Iroh was watching, and enjoying the show. He thought about his great scheme and how well it was working. He had gotten the idea from the Lotus Tile Order when they had mentioned how crabby he was, and shouldn't teenagers at his age have a girlfriend by now.Uncle Iroh had thought on it, and thought up the perfect plan. In fact, that's what the Lotus Tile Order was doing instead of planning where to go next, as Zuko had believed. Plus Iroh was bored because ever since his own personal cook had been booted away with the ship. Hey, a guy has to have some kind of entertainment, right? He sniggered to himself, and thought of the next tip he would put in his wonderful Uncle Iroh's Guide to Charming the Ladies. And the best part, Zuko would know nothing about this.

(Present) He turned to the Tip #3, but a small note fluttered out of page 2. Zuko picked it up, and read: Caution! Tip #2 doesn't work in trying to seduce someone you stole from, brought her fireflake tea (the lowest form of tea), and or hit her when she was trying to touch your scar, mole, stolen ostrich horse, ect.

Uncle Iroh burst in (your probably getting tired of it, and so is Iroh, lol) and saw Zuko spewing flames and the paper in his hand was burst into flame to.

Uncle Iroh: Calm down Prince Zuko!

Zuko: I'm completely calm! He said this in a Kataraish way, and it freaked both of them out.

Uncle Iroh: What is that in your hand?

Zuko: Um, training manual.

Uncle Iroh: Ok. See ya later. Training manual, he thought, wait till he trys the next tip out on Mai. (Menacing grin.)

Sorry it was so long, and not that funny, I haven't written in soooo long. The reason for that many of you know, and I'm spending the night at my friend, Lexi's house.

She has graciously allowed me acess all day, and i owe her big. Thanks again to all the reviewers out there, and please R+R! (We are thinking about getting a computer at our new house, keep your fingers crossed!)


	8. Chapter 8

Azula: Come here Zuko, I have a proposition for you.

Zuko: Yes, Queen Azula?

Azula: Don't be so formal Zuzu, we are after all brother and sister.

Zuko: Very well, what do you want?

Azula: I have done you a very special favor Zuko. You are to have a date with Mai tonight.

Zuko: What?? He yelled with anger.

Azula: Oh yes Zuko, you are to have a date tonight. Uncle proposed this from his jail cell as I was walking by. And

you know what? I thought it was a lovely idea. With nothing holding you back now, with your new life, and your

job as my advisor, why not take risks? Your life is far too drab here. She said this all in a brisk calm manner that

irritated Zuko.

Zuko: And if I refuse?

Azula: Then I will be forced to drag you there myself, and trust me, if I have to do that, it won't be pretty.

Zuko. Fine, Azula.

Azula: Good, Zuko. Now your date will be at 7:00 sharp at the Jasmine Dragon. Don't be late.

Zuko: Yes, your highness. He scurried off to his bed cahmber, followed by the sound of Azula snickering.

When Zuko got there, he sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands and thought. Well, I could use Uncle

Iroh's Guide to Charming the Ladies, but that hasn't gone so smooth lately. Oh well,he thought. It's the best I have

and who cares what Mai thinks anyway. Ok, here goes. He opened up the small bound book, and flipped past

failure tips, I, and 2. He glanced at all the notes that had showed why the tips didn't work for certain people, such

as him. Tip #3: Girls love a guy that can cook. So pile on the works. I would suggest Lobster bisque, a tossed

salad, and for dessert fireflake flaming Alaska. Ok, thought Zuko how hard could that be??

Hey guys! I know this is really short but I got a new laptop today for Christmas!!!!!!! So either TODAY, or tommorow I will post the next chapter! I love this thing, and I love you guys! Thanks for all the great reviews, that I read this morning, I don't know what I would do without you faithful reviewers! Please R+R!


	9. Chapter 9

(A note from Zuko to Azula concerning his date with Mai)

_Dear Azula,_

_I have an idea for the date tonight, if you would comply and tell Mai. I was wondering if I could have the date at my house, and I could cook dinner tonight? I would also require the assistance of Uncle if you will. This is all for Mai, and I hope you agree._

_Yours faithully,_

_Zuko_

The return note from Azula concerning Zuko's date with Mai)

_Brother,_

_Finnally! I thought you might try something a little romantic, as Uncle informed me. I am reluctant to agree about the accompany of Uncle. I will allow him for this night and this night only. Don't think I won't have the Dai Li on this. But Uncle will only come if you promise me one thing. Make Mai happy. God knows she deserves it._

_Sincerly,_

_Azula_

_High Earth Queen_

_Royal Fire Princess_

_P.S. I'm enclosing some wonderful fire nation recipes. Use them wisely and don't screw up!_

(Final return note from Zuko concerning his date with Mai)

_Dear Azula, _

_Thank you very much. All of it will be done as you wished._

_Love,_

_Zuzu_

_P.S. Tell Mai to wear something that's not totally depressing!_ _That includes makeup!_

Hey guys! Sorry I'm a day or two late. I've been busy deleting and adding chapters to some of my other fanfics. Check out Abandon Hope! All three fanfics left, Abandon Hope, Uncle Iroh's Guide to Charming the Ladies, and Uncle Iroh's Worst Enemy: The Doctor's! I will update at least every two weeks or every week I promise. I would have put the date with Mai in this, but I didn't plan for the notes to be this long. And I wanted to build suspense for the next chapter. So you know the drill! Please R+R!


	10. Chapter 10

Beep! Beeep! Beeeeeeeeeeeep!

Zuko: Oh, crap!

It was the night that Zuko was supposed to have his date with Mai. Things weren't going well, at all.

Steam poured from the battle-zone kitchen. The oven had burst into flames, and that annoying timer had been going off for about 5 minutes. Beeeeep!! He hit the timer on the table trying to silence the thing, while at the same time pouring soapy water over the

oven. The fire on the oven finnally subsided, but not without destroying the Fireflake flaming Alaska. Beeeeeeeeep! The timer has gone crazy now, and by now, so had Zuko. He took the timer and made it burst into flames. Ahh, he thought, that's much better. He took a second to sit down and rub his aching temples. He had just started to relax, when he heard the doorbell ring. Just great he thought, Uncle was there.

Zuko gingerly opened the door and peered at Uncle, accompanied with 6 guards. He let them in, and showed Uncle too the kitchen. Uncle surveyed the scene. All the tension and anger that had built up between them went away, when Iroh burst out laughing. He pointed to the heap of ashes which had previously been the timer.

Uncle Iroh: Timer?

Zuko: How'd you know.

Uncle Iroh: Oh, nephew, been there done that.

Zuko: Ready to get started?

Uncle Iroh: Um...not exactly. As you see Azula ordered that my hands be tied, and I can't get out of them. So, all I can offer you is my sparkling personality and advice!

Zuko: What are we gonna do about the cooking then??

Uncle Iroh: I'll let you in on a little secret, nephew.

Zuko: What?

Uncle Iroh: One word. Takeout.

They both smiled michieviously, and went to to order.

Once the catering service had been there and left, their small apartment had been transformed into a dinner fit for a king and queen. Zuko had ordered the works: room cleaning, a $1000 dollar meal, a room makeover, and extensive butler, and maid services. Everything was perfect except for one thing: him.

Zuko: What am I gonna do about me, Uncle?

Uncle Iroh: Well, I have an idea, but I'm not sure you'll like it.

Zuko: What is it?

Iroh: Fashion makeover. For, boys of course.

Zuko cringed, and slowly reached for the room service bell again.

After, many hours of hard work, Zuko was finished. His robe was fabulous, his hair was long and flawless, and his nails were buffed!! (Or so his makeover designer said!) And just in time for Mai. Everything that had happened that night was for Mai. Secretly, he hoped it would work. He ushered Uncle out of his apartment quickly, but not before Uncle Irohs gave him some good advice.

Uncle Iroh: Now just go with the flow Zuko. Keep the conversation going, serve the food at just the right time. Compliment her, and giver her this. He opened his palm to reveal a ring. It was pure gold with rubies swirled in the gold, With a huge heart shaped ruby on top. Perfect. He headr the doorbell ring, rushed to it, did a quick 180 on his hair, and opened it.

Mai was beautiful. She had a flowing pink kimono on. On her wrists were intricatly designed bangels. And her makeup was to die for!

Soft pink bulsh, ruby red lips and long eyelashes. Zuko sighed, and smiled sheepisly. Mai smiled back softly. Only one word would fit this moment. Perfect.

Wow!!!!!! That had actually had a little romance in it. Sorry it took so long to update. I'm also trying to work on my other fanfics, Uncle Iroh's Worst Enemy: The Doctors! and Abandon Hope. This was like the longest chapter I've ever written, and it shouldn't be too long till I update again, since I have a basic story outline for the next chapter. So there ya go. Hope you enjoy. But since I've never written a fanfic about Mai and Zuko before, it might be kinda weird. Oh well! You know what to do. Hit that little review button in the corner. Thanks, and please R+R!!!!


	11. Chapter 11

Crunch!!!!!!

Mai: Ow!!!!!!

Mai slowly took the ring that had been perfectly planted there by Zuko, out of a bonbon she had been eating. A little chocolate here and there, but otherwise in good condition. Mai gasped, and looked at the ring while it sparkled next to the soft light coming from the candle.

Mai: Oh god, Zuko it's beautiful! She slipped the ring on her finger and admired it again.

Zuko: It's nothing, really. He blushed and looked away.

Mai: It is, and it's perfect she said.

She gracefully got up and went over to Zuko, and leaned over, and was about to kiss him when...

BAM!!!!!!!

The two front doors burst open, and Azula jumped towards them both.

Zuko quickly leaned back away from Mai. He looked at Azula, and concluded in his mind that when he went home he would try and get his father to send Azula to the loony bin.

Zuko: What are you doing here Azula??

Azula: I heard a plot to overthrow me from a Dai Li agent at this address. He said to me that they were holding a secret meeting.

Zuko: I was just having my date with Mai, as you can see. What was that address

again?

Azula: 117 White Jade Bush Avenue.

Zuko: Um, Azula this is 116 White Jade Bush Avenue. He snickered silently to himself.

Azula rubbed the back of her neck in embarassment.

Azula: My bad.

Mai and Zuko looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Azula: What's so funny? She had that dangerous glint in her eye, and they immdiately stopped laughing.

Zuko: Since when have you started using words like "My bad" ??

Azula: Since Uncle and I went to a gangster class she said defiantly.

Azula: What, you've never noticed my grills?

She opened her mouth and flashed them blindingly. She then took out a baseball cap out of her coat, and put it on backwards, and started break-dancing horribly.

Mai and Zuko was rolling around on the floor laughing.

Azula stopped, and gave a glare.

Azula: Mai, isn't time for you to be getting back to the palace anyway?

Mai: Yes I suppose I'd better be getting home.

Azula: Fine let's go then. I'll get the plot people tommorow. And with that breakdanced away.

Mai: Sorry about that Zuko.

Zuko: That was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen!

They both laughed again, and before Zuko could stop himself, he leaned over and kissed Mai. She smiled, and kissed him back. She said bye, and skipped ahead to find Azula.

Hey guys! This is a pretty long chapter for me, lol. Sorry it took so long to update, I had several ideas in mind, and couldn't choose which ones to write. Also sorry it wasn't that funny. So thanks again, and please R+R!


	12. Chapter 12

Knock! Knock!

Zuko ran to the door, just back from his picnic with Mai. He opened it and to his horror saw Jin, Song and Katara standing there with their arms outstretch with flowers, chocolates, and a teddy bear in their hands. He stood there horrified until he found his voice again.

Zuko: Um...hello.

Katara spoke first and was clearly in a state of pure frenzy.

Katara: Zuko, I love you! Be mine!

Then she thrust the flowers into his hands and stood there waiting for the answer her eyes sparkling and wide like a little lost puppy. Song and Jin both spoke up at the same time.

Song & Jin: Zuko, we love you!!! Your new hairstyle really brings out the color in your scar!!!

All the while they said this they also thrust the flowers into his hands and bowed, before throwing dirty looks at one another and going into an all out cat fight.

Zuko stood there in awe. He said the only thing that came to his mind without thinking first.

Zuko: But um, I'm kinda going out with Mai, so I'm just gonna close the door and pretend like this never happened...he said calmly while slowly closing the door.

But Katara, Song, and Jin had other plans. They threw open the door Zuko was trying to close and started screaming.

Katara, Song & Jin: Who's she? Where does she live? I'm prettier!!!! I bet she doesn't have healing abilities! I'm better! Please will you go out with me?

The last straw was when Jin screamed out "I'll get a tattoo of a scar on my face so you'll feel better and not have so many issues!!!!"

At this everyone stopped and looked at her. Zuko slammed the door quickly and felt a sigh of relief. At least he couldn't see them now.

Jin: ...What? I thought it would be a good suggestion...she mumbled through the closed door.

Zuko sat down and thought to himself how did he become such a babe magnet? He thought he'd better check Uncle Iroh's Guide to Charming the Ladies, his new friend since it got him to go out with Mai. He got out the red and gold book from his pocket and flipped through it. Nothing. There were still lots of tips he'd never read before. Until he held it upside down and shook it. He saw a tiny piece of paper float to the floor and picked it up. It said: Tip Number 0: Warning! Supposed to be read before reading this book. These tips take time. Don't expect results for a while. Look at me, and old crazy tea loving man, and I'm still waiting for them to work!!!

Hey Guys! I'm soooo sorry I haven't written in forever! I've had writters block, and now that we're on Summer vacation I have more time to think of idea. So suggestions or advice is welcomed like winning the lottery for me! So please R+R, and I'll try to update as soon as possible.


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